Sunday, June 29, 2008
i seemed to hv lost passion for alot of
random things.
like the passion to go out all and be rahrah.
like the passion to get to know people and expand social life.
the passion to go beyond the usual routine of mundane life.
the passion to keep my interests and not let them slip away bit by bit.
the passion to stop sleeping, daydreaming and get some action in reality.
the passion to step up to new challenges and seeking satisfaction from overcoming them.
all i'm left with is lethargy, doubts, sceptism, numbness.
i am nineteen-going-on-twenty.
this is my quarter life crisis.
i guess.
but it's been dragging on for a long time.
haaaa.
______ muakks.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
there are a lot of things i wish to share but can't do so.
i dunno why. but some things are better left unsaid.
maybe i'm afraid that what i say will not elicit the kind of response i expect. and the thing is. i don't even know what kind of response i want. i don't know what words i want to hear, what words i don't want to hear. i only know that whatever response i get, those words will sound wrong once they reach my ears. that's why i choose not to say it at all.
cos i know i myself wouldn't know how to respond either. words of consolation always hv high possibilities of sounding wrong and insincere.
but sometimes i feel upset too when nobody understands.
it's like, if i don't put it across explicitly, people may tk it as "a phase", "a phase that i'll get over it". or angstyness.
but it isn't just a phase that will end eventually.
*
have no one to turn to.
cos i'm not the kind of person who shares bad news.
face to face.
and i don't like to share burdens. i don't want to become another person's burden. cos i believe that we all have our own share of problems, troubles, burdens. each person shld just carry their own burdens on their backs, and it's their choice whether they want to keep the burdens quietly on their backs, or to share the burden with their other loved ones to reduce the weary baggage a little. but i feel that it's unfair to pile some of your own burdens on another person. but of cos, it may be looked in another way as such, each person carries his/her own burden, along with bits and pieces of other people's burdens, and everything just cancels out and reaches an equilibrium.
i won't mind sharing others' burdens. but i keep mine to myself.
*
it always feels terrible when you have loved ones who are sick and suffering.
and ya i don't hv the courage to face responses that do not turn out the way i expect them to be
*
maybe i've got to learn how to share burdens.
______ muakks.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
on a lazy(not) saturday afternoon, i decided to come here and bloggg.
anyway, i've completed my bio assignment lor. although i don't really care if it's correcct or not. i took damn long to figure out what "complement" meant. felt like an idiot when i realised=p.
after figuring out the assgn, i'm supposed to go offline and either nap, bathe, or read SOMETHING. yarrh. just something will do. but i end up blogstalking and now i'm blogskinscreening. haha. omgg just saw a T K A skin. but zs's hair is wrong!! his hair is sposed to be shorter and straight. bt his hair is still curly and long lk in iswak. for now, i think my current i s w a k skin is the nicest. HOHO. hmmm. i think i'm going to start advertising iswak again. but i s w a k is really a damn nice show=). alot of people rate it as their all time fave. haah. but what's more impt is how obsessed in it and how much fun it is to go crazy w p i g g y cos we are really fanatics (ah yes this is the sad longform of fans). haha. and it's v successful cos the sequel still as interesting and induces withdrawal symptons=DD. ohyeahhh and nw y t suffers from the same symptons too. muhaha.
i want a straight tree too.
*
anyways. backk to what i've been doing aft completing that assgn. blogstalking. yeah. so i was reading X's blog. a really acquaintance kind of acquaintance. i'm not judging X, bt i was just thinking how is it possible to get into a new relationship so quickly? hmmm. maybe i'm speaking from a lack-of-experience POV. when i first knew X, X had just ended a r/s. and was feeling damn relieved about it too. after some mths, knew about X's new r/s through msn. during new year, X had a family reunion dinner with the bf. and about two-three weeks ltr, read from X's blog that there had been a chg of bfs. hmmmm. but maybe there were some problems between X and ex-bf since the ex-bf is still in army. and the new bf is from X's school. i'm not in a position to pass any judgment, but i'm still quite
appalled surprised at the lifespan of relationships. relationships are vulnerable eh. especially when both parties don't work equally hard to maintain it. when one party slackens off, it's not all up to the other party to pull things up and sustain. unless you have the boundless energy that xq seems to hv all the time. or the foolhardiness of xq. or the 200% love xq gives to zs. haha. maybe a xq lives in the heart of every girl in the world. or maybe out of the millions of people living in a world, not even 1/3 xq can be found. wellls. tend to believe in the latter. cos personally i think that humans hv a tendency to succumb to selfishness.
*
maybe i'm not quite ready yet.
maybe i've already passed that particular time unknowingly.
maybe i'm afraid of speculating in the unknown.
maybe i'm just closing all the doors, as well as windows.
maybe i'm too disbelieving, distrustful.
maybe i'm too blind (as usual).
maybe i'm just not eligible or desirable. (awwww. why am i so frankk. ha ha.)
what's with the horoscopes that tell me scorpios are attractive creatures blessed with abundance of socalled peaccchhblossomluck. haha. i guess that's why i don't really believe in horoscopes. cos there are so many other people who share some birthdates as me, furthermore even more people sharing some birthmonth as me. so it just reduces the probability of the horoscopic prediction holding true for one particular scorpion living in the east of asgee.
and what's with the tarot card readings which always like to predict colourful relationships in the next 1-5 years of my life? maybe the tarot cards detected my tendency-towards-cynicism towards them and decided to be as inaccurate as possible. haha pardon me. oopps.
*
alrighttt. i think that's all fr nowww. seeya agn soon bloggie.
______ muakks.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
you know what.
i HATE blogs sometimes.
GRRRRRRR.
argggggggggghhh.
it's okkkay.
sometimes the tone of certain entries just won't sound right.
bah.
______ muakks.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
heyaaa..
i normally post here when my mind feels muddled...
nearly forgot about the existence of this blog haha..
so i decided to change to a brand new skin=)).
hohoho.
it started with a kiss~
damn nice show. so addicted.
*
anyway results were out ytd.. not fantabulous.. expected more fr some mods, expected less fr some mods.. after thinking about it, felt that it was alright overall.. but somehow.. wasn't really satisfied.
人比人，总是会气死人吧。
但是，就是难以释怀。
我真的有努力啊。
可是成果只是这样。
再继续想下去也没用。
可是，我还是很闷。
就像我哥所说的，大学很难考到一科 C。除非你没有用功。
我有用功啊。
我还把其它科目的时间用掉，就为了你这么一科。
讨厌讨厌讨厌！！！
不晓得为何自己一直在后悔。
我是一个不会后悔的人。后悔能带给你什么？我不喜欢后悔的滋味。凡是我做出的决定，什么后果，我承担。
可是当时不是我要选择读它这一科的嘛！
所以我现在就在这里自怨自艾，就为了这个烂理由。
*
怎么可能。怎么可能。怎么可能。
怎么可能渴望考上honours？
*
感到很泄气。
*
气球被蜇破了。
*
results are as follows:
CH1101E: B+
CL1101E: B+
SC1101E: B+
EC1101E: B
SSA2204: C
*
人比人，气死人。
但没有比较，又怎么知道自己站在哪里。
明显的，在垫底。
好了。
够了。
再想去又会在开始怀疑自己了。
怀疑自己的能力，实力，等等。
*
讨厌自己。
讨厌自己有那么多优秀的姐姐，哥哥。
讨厌自己。
讨厌自己会有这种想法。
*
好累。
want to proceed to the nxt thing to do: figure out sem2 timetable.
but i can't even find five bloody modules to take.
got to decide on my major den.
DAMNIT.
so frustrated.
=/.
*
谁可以来救救我。
就只有自己吧。
=(.
______ muakks.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
HEY.
after typing chunks ytd night, i realised i never got to the point. the core of the negative thoughts that were growing in my head. but after a night, after sleeping on it, i've dispelled them out of my mind. yupp. it's an old problem of mine.
對人家好﹐是自己心甘情願的。只要是自己問心無愧﹐何必去在乎回報﹖
做人本來就應該要懂得看得開。如果凡事都要達到自己的標準和要求﹐那做人也太累了吧。
做人已經是煩惱多多﹑問題多多﹑麻煩多多﹑纍贅多多﹐無須與自己過意不去。
是是是。
辛酸雖會跟隨﹐但快樂總在不遠處。
懷疑自己的時刻是必然的。
只要明白如何走出懷疑﹐應該不會有太大的問題。
我仍是我。
*
______ muakks.
Friday, March 30, 2007
HEY=).
it's been reaaaaaally such a long time since i updated this blog. as some sort of an unwritten tradition, i'll normally blog here when i have negative thoughts that creep into my head and refuse to leave... wellls. haa. shan't assume no one will read but i guess i can be 99.99999% sure that no one will do so. hoho. so this is like an avenue where i can display my thoughts without any consideration or inhibition...
anyway. have been thinking i seem to be wasting my life away, rotting bit by bit in these few months. maybe it's this part time job feel. while most of my friends are slogging away at their respective work places, i'm having a pretty relaxed time. supposedly. allegedly. but the worst thing is, i do feel tired and drained when i come home. ~_~". it is like an unthinkable kind of feeeling. i mean, HOW CAN I FEEL TIRED AFTER 5+ HOURS OF WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK? so, i'm beginning to suspect there is something wrong in my system. I'M TOTALLY ROTTING! haaaaha.
i really have the most fortunate working hours. 5day, 5+ hours per day. weekends free. mornings free. nights free.
although minutes crawl by like hours in that room sometimes, i still feel a little guilty.
heh.
perhaps it will be good for me to return to school.
back to school. back to the healthy routine of mugging.
somehow.
maybe granted dealing with a room of at times problematic p5 and p6s isn't an easy job.
i felt sick of that room today. totally sick.
told mr lee and mr seetoh, "Just don't kill yourselves."
shouting doesn't help. hollering only solves problems for a minute. staring daggers isn't useful. being disappointed and disillusioned are inner feelings that do not get free display.
i'm too used to clenching my jaw and swallow things down.
i do not erupt.
i've always been a dormant volcano. all along. for as long as i can remember.
i'm the keep-things-to-myself type.
i'm the i'll-forget-this-tomorrow, but actually everything is just piling up inside.
is this a healthy or positive sort of attitude?
or is this tortuous for my own self in the long run?
rhetorical questions that require no answers.
*
we all have our own troubles. maybe i don't understand yours, but i really cannot imagine how complex a 12-year-old's life be. maybe i've been too peaceful my whole life, being a peaceful person, attending peaceful schools, making peaceful friends, having peaceful end-results after completing each academic milestone. so that's why i cannot feel, cannot understand, with the lack of experience.
*
simplicity.
pure.
innocence.
i'm seeing less of all these with each day.
that's not what it's supposed to be.
WHY.
*
to be continueddd...
______ muakks.
