Wednesday, April 12, 2006
hieeya!
been sometime since i last blogged.. school life's pretty much the same.. not much of a novelty.. sighh. i realise i really have very bad habits. i don't like to admit this but i tk honest straight remarks to heart and sometimes i resent negative comments. which is bad. maybe i'll come to terms to it and try to change it but it's the moment which i hear the negative comment or some criticism when i will start feeling defensive and will start protesting or just be unable to see the possible good naturedness behind the criticism. and i'm really very not focussed. i don't have any goals or any aspirations and these most likely contributes to my 'un-focussness'? basically i just live day by day and without any priorities. and once i sink, it's really like i'm sinking into an endless pit or into quicksand. i want to climb out of the pit, i want to get out of the quicksand, but i'm not putting in effort. ironical isn't it? i know opportunities don't drop down from the skies above and plonk themselves on me. i know good results do not just throw themselves on me without any initiative from my part. i know i am just wasting my life away if i continue to face life with this attitude of mine. i know that apart from myself, i'm letting my family down as well, should i not buck up and adopt a better, more positive attitude towards my academics. i know all these.. if i stop to reflect, guilt will overcome me undoubtly. but guilt passes on like a stormy cloud. once the thunderstorm is over, the gloomy skies will clear up and the sunlight will seep in through the clouds once more. guilt and dread will visit me. but they will dissipate into thin air after some time. diffused away. gosh. it's so darned terrible. i'm really a piece of ... fermented beancurd. hmmms. okay. fermented beancurd doesn't seem an appropriate adjective. fermented beancurd smells but it's nei you qian kun, it's tasty actually (wells i don't know for sure since i've nvr tried it before).. ermms. i don't think i have much liao4 either though.. ahah. okay.. i'm a piece of blank paper. a blank piece of paper that is planning to remain as blank as possible unless i tk some action.
*tears hair*
okay. even now. i'm not setting my priorities right. i have this song ci test TMR...
but of cos, i'm never short of excuses.
i'm TIRED.
but it's really true.
so tired.
maybe it's cos i do things very slowly. productivity isn't very high. tried qns in maths tys. but i'm still gonna fail the maths test tdy. and rather pissed cos it's really not a difficult paper. so it's another case of i tried, as hard as i could, but the end result will still be ... ... ... ...
sighh.
i'm not brave either. don't want to see my mum's face if she sees my... results slip. *hiccups* she's tired enough from shuttling from work to hospital to visit father, and troubled enough.. hai. but i'm still not doing my part. she will be so disappointed. i don't want to hide things from her and i know things may gt out of hand subsequently cos no secret can be kept forever and i'll have more problems ahead should she find out that i've been hiding things from her. but i really can't show her. *gulps*
kayy.. gtg for mugging le.
jaa.
______ muakks.
