Monday, May 29, 2006
booo.
back from JB.. the forum trip was rather.. fei. in the sense i didn't learn anything from it. haha. didn't know the forum was about err stuff like listening to some
weird speeches that drive you to sleep. there was this particular minister who spoke and was suaning sg with "..not only Singapore has orchids.. in fact we hv even more species of orchids.." and some other
craap. and there was this welcome speech tt consisted a whole rattling off of countless names, one or two lines of the real content, then a thankyou that ended the speech. there was a talk which was interesting speech abt good leaders and great leaders.. but the videos the speaker showed was too soft.. oh. and there was this stupid seminar the rest of us (meaning not a club president/secretary/treasurer) were forced to attend. our teacher had told us we need not attend the seminar. the security guards
barred the lift lobby. (does it ring a bell? just like a certain day in a certain college.) some managed to get away frm the talk and a bunch of us had no choice but to attend the treasurers' talk reluctantly. the ballroom was packed with ppl when we were finally shooed in, and the speaker
commanded us to fill in the empty spaces in the tables in front.
enough about the forum.
hmmm.
my father will be discharged today. after being hospitalized for almost 2 months. mmm. i've gotten used to life with just the three of us. peaceful. i'm not sure how i feel about him coming home. of course i'm happy that he's finally able to come home and be with us. it had been really scary when he almost lost his life some weeks ago due to a blunder one of the nurses made during his stay at the hospital. the week before he was hospitalised had been frightening too. i'm almost eighteen. what have i not seen in my almost eighteen yrs? but i still can't tk an indifferent attitude when the quarrels or fights begin. i've hardened a little but i crumbled again after one incident. ya. i know. i should just let the past dissolve. i should not dwell on the past. i should focus on the present and future. i should believe that good days will stay with us, starting from tdy. but i'm scared. i'm unsure. and i feel weak. to me, he had really fulfilled his duties of a parent. i should remember the times he took care of me. but i can't really forget. i can forgive but not forget. those were not matters that happened to me, the main receiver of his weird moodswings, tantrums, temperamental nature was not me. but i still can't handle it in a calm and rational manner.
after visiting him in the hospital these recent weeks, i felt an overwhelming kind of sadness taking over me suddenly. he was so thin. so very thin. his cheeks had sunk in. his arms and legs so bony. but his temper was unchanged.
i want to forget. but i still feel angered. cause he ruined another person's life completely.
或許我太強硬了。但是﹐我不認為我是錯的。她為他崩潰了有多少次。數也數不清。是。現在他生病了﹐也還沒完全康復﹐也許永遠也無法完完全全恢復正常。但是﹐他能保證接下來的日子會不回到從前的日子嗎﹖
yesyesyesyesyes.
LET GO.
if not at this rate i will just go on thinking and thinking and never come to any conclusion except that i am unable to leave go.
______ muakks.
