Saturday, July 08, 2006

hiehie.

i really hv not blogged fr a long time. don't hv a clear idea why i suddenly stopped blogging. is it cos i've lost an interest in typing? or i'm trying to avoid problems that i don't wish to face up to? or i just wish to live my life day by the day without hving to review, go over the events of the day and reflect? or i'm just being lazy? or i'm tired of attempts at reflections that go nowhere? guess it's just a little of all listed above. i just don't wish to see within myself. i just don't wish to delve deeper inside me.

i don't want any complications.

but those thoughts don't disappear.

they keep swirling in my head.

sometimes they are out of my mind but they always float bck some way or other.

it is sickening.

i wish i can just be myself myself and myself. without hvg to bother so much abt what's going thru other people's minds. what do they think of me. what will be their reaction if i do or say something. is what i'm doing deemed correct in other people's eyes. oh fish and chips. can i stop being so needy? or rather can i stop being bothered about my image in others' perspective? what kind of image am i trying create? an illusionary one? why should i live in other people's shadow?

h.j's blog is nice. it has nice music nice layout nice photos. why. why does everything get so complex as we grow up.

it isn't fair to play the blame game and point fingers at everyone else except yourself.

if you don't wish to be influenced, nothing can waver your stand, nothing can shift your beliefs, nothing can change your mindset.

i know i need to be strong.

mr su is right.

and i haven't even had any major calamities in my eighteen years.

why should i sit here, comfortably in my rollabout comp chair, enjoying the aircon, listening to music, and moan and groan and whinge as i type away on my keyboard?

fair enough that everybody has their share of problems.

fair enough that anybody is free to feel unfortunate, unlucky, unloved, dispirited under circumstances they feel that those feelings are justified.

fair enough that we wish to be self-centred and adopt the ME-ME thinking.

but yaa. overindulging is nvr goood.

you just got to keep reminding yourself.

and stop comparing comparing comparing comparing and comparing even though your incapability, incompetence, inferiority, adagio-ness, thickness flashes flamboyantly at everybody in bold.

block out.

okay.

sometimes the ahQish me pops up now and then.

it helps to keep me happy.

so why not.

but i know that reality is there. unwashable. distinct. bare. raw. true.

yeah. i love blogging here. cos no one reads((:. people who know of it don't follow up here anyhow cos they'd think, sigh this is another of a socalled personal bloggie of yc's which will soon be neglected anyhow. hey. i will be more than happy if they do think this way. haa. but anyway obviously if they know of this add, i'm not afraid to let them read these entries.

i know most of my jc friends are just fair-weathered ones. but i'm not subjecting my friends to comparison. not idealising my sec sch friends too much, not feeling let down-ed by my jc friends, not putting myself (as a friend) on too high a pedestal. i can't expect people to understand me if i don't let them into my heart. i know i'm not a 100% friend to all my friends. i know i can be bitchy, sarcastic, really stupid and thick and lento, insensitive, selfish, self-centred, altogether rubbishy. so given that i'm not this self-less, holy, understanding, know-my-friends-in-and-out friend, i should not expect any of my friends to be the same. don't hv any expectations and i won't feel let down. precisely. what my mum said that other time which i've mentioned before. everyone's meter of treating-another-well and giving is different. you may think you've given alot, but to the other party it's meagre or insignificant. what the other party sees as giving as much as he cld, may seem nada to you. human minds are too complex. too different. stay agreeable. i can stick fast to my ideals and ideas but i won't pile them on my friends and mk them see it the same way as i do.

--

friendships are fragile.

jealousy is venom.

comparison is one of the many factors that lead to unhappiness, dissatisfaction.

simplicity is an innocent beauty.

idealism leaves you disillusioned.

--

sometimes it's not that i don't want to share. but saying one thing leads to thousands of explanations. and naming people. i don't like doing that. and especially if i want to share with my closer friends (like duh), without naming people, they might be able to pinpoint them out accurately. my social circle is not boundless. and i don't want them to think lesser of them. not to say this will happen fr sure but i wish to avoid any circumstances like this happening. i don't want a misunderstanding on my part or misjudgement on my part to affect another person's socalled reputation.

-

what a friend told me about what his friend said about a good friend of mine made me puzzle over the matter.

i've been wondering how i should react. should i pretend to be ignorant? or should i try to drop subtle hints? or am i even in the position to judge anything?

but it all boils down to i don't want my friend's feelings hurt.

but i don't doubt the bonds of the friendship of my friend and her friends.

so i've decided to stay out of this first. and not put my finger into a pie that does not belong to me. or else the baker will run aft me and everything will complicate further and many other parties may gt hurt.

the friend who told my friend about her opinion of my good friend probably had very innocent intentions. she was probably just pissed/sad/hurt at that time and had to find an avenue to let out her emotions.

i'm just so not in the position to judge.

nahh. don't be a kaypoh unnecessarily.

***

誰怕﹖
一蓑煙雨任平生。

歸去﹐
也無風雨也無晴。

----

jaaaaaaa.

my mind is a jumbled up mess and my points are so random. do you see the link in the sentences in the paragraphs above? ha. ha.

______ muakks.

exits. (: