Friday, March 30, 2007
HEY=).
it's been reaaaaaally such a long time since i updated this blog. as some sort of an unwritten tradition, i'll normally blog here when i have negative thoughts that creep into my head and refuse to leave... wellls. haa. shan't assume no one will read but i guess i can be 99.99999% sure that no one will do so. hoho. so this is like an avenue where i can display my thoughts without any consideration or inhibition...
anyway. have been thinking i seem to be wasting my life away, rotting bit by bit in these few months. maybe it's this part time job feel. while most of my friends are slogging away at their respective work places, i'm having a pretty relaxed time. supposedly. allegedly. but the worst thing is, i do feel tired and drained when i come home. ~_~". it is like an unthinkable kind of feeeling. i mean, HOW CAN I FEEL TIRED AFTER 5+ HOURS OF WORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK? so, i'm beginning to suspect there is something wrong in my system. I'M TOTALLY ROTTING! haaaaha.
i really have the most fortunate working hours. 5day, 5+ hours per day. weekends free. mornings free. nights free.
although minutes crawl by like hours in that room sometimes, i still feel a little guilty.
heh.
perhaps it will be good for me to return to school.
back to school. back to the healthy routine of mugging.
somehow.
maybe granted dealing with a room of at times problematic p5 and p6s isn't an easy job.
i felt sick of that room today. totally sick.
told mr lee and mr seetoh, "Just don't kill yourselves."
shouting doesn't help. hollering only solves problems for a minute. staring daggers isn't useful. being disappointed and disillusioned are inner feelings that do not get free display.
i'm too used to clenching my jaw and swallow things down.
i do not erupt.
i've always been a dormant volcano. all along. for as long as i can remember.
i'm the keep-things-to-myself type.
i'm the i'll-forget-this-tomorrow, but actually everything is just piling up inside.
is this a healthy or positive sort of attitude?
or is this tortuous for my own self in the long run?
rhetorical questions that require no answers.
*
we all have our own troubles. maybe i don't understand yours, but i really cannot imagine how complex a 12-year-old's life be. maybe i've been too peaceful my whole life, being a peaceful person, attending peaceful schools, making peaceful friends, having peaceful end-results after completing each academic milestone. so that's why i cannot feel, cannot understand, with the lack of experience.
*
simplicity.
pure.
innocence.
i'm seeing less of all these with each day.
that's not what it's supposed to be.
WHY.
*
to be continueddd...
______ muakks.
